So, I've had this thing for over a year. Never used it. So what's the first thing I do with it? Wrestling talk.
And now I've just alienated 99% of my potential audience.
I promise, this will be more than that eventually. But somehow, I've become the go-to guy on wrestling, so I figure, I might as well embrace it.
So, without further ado (mainly because I've used up my daily supply of ado in the previous three sentences), let's take a look at the card for this year's SummerFest, shall we?
Pre-show: US Title match: Rob Van Dam vs. Dean Ambrose (champ)
For those of you who missed it, RVD won his title shot in a battle royal last Monday on RAW. Dean and the Shield got involved, which got Mark Henry and Big Show involved. I expect about the same sort of thing to happen tonight. RVD and Ambrose will have a solid match. RVD's lost a few steps over the years, but he can still go if you need him to. Ambrose has the same potential CM Punk and Daniel Bryan had when they came in and I'd be very surprised if he didn't reach that same level eventually. In the end, The Shield will bring their usual brand of shenanigans, Mark Henry and Big Show will run-in for the save, and [insert paper authority figure] will add a six-man tag to the card. It's very ECW-style booking, which I support in small doses.
The Shield vs. RVD, Big Show, and Mark Henry
Three young, hungry, up and comers here against three guys on the downside of their careers. Ordinarily, I'd think it's an easy call for The Shield, but they're currently in "negative push" mode (despite all of them holding titles) and they're trying to rebuild the three faces for one more big run, so I go with Team Big Van Henry. I still believe in the Shield, though.
Natalya vs. Brie Bella
It's very rare that I care about women's matches in the WWE, and this isn't one of those times. I'm not against women's wrestling at all. Some of the best action I've seen in recent years comes from SHIMMER, an all-women's wrestling organization. Women can do the same amazing things that men can. But not in WWE. There's reasons that they call them "Divas" and not "wrestlers". Oh, right, the match. Natalya will do her best to carry Brie to a watchable match, because she's actually a capable wrestler, but in the end Twin Magic will get involved and Brie will win. Mainly because she's shtupping John Cena. Or Daniel Bryan. I don't know. Somehow they all got into the whole twin thing together.
Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn vs. Big E. Langston and AJ Lee
I was really hoping for Ziggs and Big E. in a singles match, but I would assume they're saving that for the next four weeks of Raw. Dolph's push has been so up and down, it's like they flip a coin to see if he's going to get a push that day or not. Meanwhile, it's nice to see Big E. getting a push. He's done quality work in NXT, and he's got the partner that people actually care about. Big E. and AJ win, but because AJ pins Kaitlyn, this feud MUST CONTINUE. And hopefully get better because these guys can go hard when they get the chance.
Kane vs. Bray Wyatt- Ring of Fire match
Hey, remember those inferno matches they used to have? Where the object was to set your opponent on fire? I'm going to assume that this is the PG equivalent of that. Anyways, if Kane goes over here, the WWE is run by idiots. Well, it would confirm it at least. The Wyatt Family is the hottest new thing in WWE. If you haven't checked out any of their NXT stuff, do so. Amazing, and it's hard to believe Bray was Husky Harris at one point. Anyways- Bray Wyatt wins here- his "family" finds a way into the ring anyways and sends Kane packing off to Hollywood so he can make See No Evil 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Cody Rhodes vs. Damien Sandow
It doesn't appear that this is for Sandow's Money in the Bank briefcase, although they could always add that stipulation in at the last minute. Cody has really come into his own and he's finally showing signs that he's his father's son. He's a lot more comfortable on the mic these days, which is good. I've always felt that that was the thing holding him back from a real push. And the fact that he's managed to grow a bitchin' pornstache hasn't hurt either. I think Cody wins this one- Sandow is the one who would be less hurt by a loss at this point. Cody's still building his character, while Sandow is who he is. This could be the sleeper match of the night. I'm not saying it'll be five stars, but I think it'll surprise a lot of folks.
World Heavyweight Championship Match: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio (champ)
The world is just right again with Del Rio as a heel. He always seemed tremendously forced as a face. The fact that he kicked RickRod to the curb has only helped solidify his turn. And he's defending against... Christian? Um, okay. Not to knock Christian, because he's a fun guy to watch, but boy, that kinda came out of nowhere. And those "out of nowhere" title matches don't tend to end well. But with Seamus out at least till the Rumble, they're going to have to fill out the undercard somehow. I just don't see Christian being the one to take the title, not here anyways. Del Rio goes over, and I think fairly decisively.
The Best vs. The Beast: CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar
So we're still doing the Lesnar thing, huh? Trying to justify that expense? It's really hard to build for a match when one of the competitors rarely appears on TV. Luckily for WWE, they've got Paul Heyman to do most of the heavy lifting in the run-up to this one, and they've sold this match a lot better than I could've imagined. I just don't know how good this one's going to be. CM Punk has almost gotten to "broomstick" status- meaning that he can carry a broomstick to a three-star match- but I'm still on the fence. I think it has a chance to be okay if Punk breaks out some of his Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu stuff and we break down into a more UFC-style bout. I keep thinking that they have to put Lesnar over someone eventually, and this might be where it happens. But Punk vs. Heyman is a feud that's going to be going for a while. I'm guessing through the fall, leading up to a "Heyman's Guys" vs. "Punk's Punks" Survivor Series match.
WWE Heavyweight Championship Match: Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena (champ)
It's official. Daniel Bryan has arrived. His work over the past few weeks has been great, and this match is really the culmination of years and years of hard work for Bryan. While I don't like the fact that we've had the McMahons involved so heavily in this match, there's a reason for it I think. It's all going to come together here. Cena is injured. Badly. He needs elbow surgery, and I'm seeing mixed reports about how much of a match he's going to be able to pull off tonight. But Cena's a gamer, and if there is any way he can go out there and put on one more match, he's going to, and Bryan is definitely the person to help carry him for a full match. In the end though, Bryan gets the win over Cena and gets his moment of glory... before Randy Orton whacks him from behind with the briefcase, hands it to Triple H, and gets a quick pin to win the title. Yep, Orton is going to be revealed as Triple H's "perfect" champion here, and Bryan's next feud is set. As much as I'd like to see Bryan get a nice long reign, I think that at this point, especially with Cena out for a while, there's a lot more money in Bryan chasing Orton for the title for a few months, with the possibility of his rematch with Cena at WrestleMania. But that's further down the road.
Extracurriculars: Aside from the usual stupid skits and last-minute changes, I'd be very surprised if there wasn't a new "Be A Star" promo featuring newly-out superstar Darren Young, since he's become the hot topic in the media.
Anyways, that's what I got. I'll probably start doing this on a regular basis for WWE PPVs (I've totally given up on TNA), but I promise to sprinkle in some more general-interest topics as well.
I never know how to close these things out. So.
Bottom bottom fart bottom.
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